Final Reflections (I think)

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that this year's trip to Trinidad was very different for me than when we went 2 years ago.  Part of that was due to my responsibility shift.  Last time I was a counselor, in a cabin with a Trini counselor, 5 Trini campers and Joy.  I had many opportunities to spend time with these young ladies and begin to get to know them.  To my delight, all but one of the girls returned to camp this year so I was able to see them again and catch up a little...but they have a new counselor who was also with them last year.  So, they had been turned over to good hands.

This year I was in the kitchen in the morning (which I LOVED) and a co-leader of "Imagination Station" (a combination of science and crafts) in the afternoon.  That was probably my biggest stretch of the week, because I struggle with presenting a lesson to a larger group...I like the more intimate nature of a smaller group.

As a result, I was feeling a little sorry for myself one morning during my quiet time.  I felt disconnected from the children, yet I was loving the bonding that was occurring with team members during my kitchen time and side conversations.  That morning I brought my concerns to the Lord, asking Him for a connection with the children, and He was faithful to deliver.  Only an hour later, as we prepared for breakfast, some girls began showing up and chatting with us as they waited for their meals to be ready. And then, a few of the boys from Roger's cabin began giving me a hug whenever they passed by.

Another big difference this year was my attitude.  Last time we went (in 2010), I wanted to be there, but I was also fearful.  It was new, it was hot, and I was not in control.  It was odd having no say in the schedule, and the hours were hard on our children; therefore, they were hard on me.  I was not the best team member I could be.

Last year we prayed and prayed about going, but God never confirmed to us that we were to be part of that team.  It turned out there was a different need for us at the very same time as the trip, but that was not the only reason.  God showed me that I had not been the blessing I could have been on the previous trip - I had been blessed by it, and I had grown from it.  I had connected with some of the girls and been and encouragement to them, but I had not been a blessing to my team - I had not dealt well with what was asked and required of me.  So, I told God that I wanted to go back, but not until He had worked in my heart and I could go and be a blessing.

This year (just like in 2010), He confirmed to us that we were to be part of the team on the day of the deadline for the trip - LOL!  This time, He made it clear to me that He had been working in my heart, and I was becoming a different person.

Don't get me wrong - I wasn't perfect, and every good thing that poured out from me was because of Him.  One thing that was different was I got up every morning and spent time with Him before I spent time with others.  What a blessing that was to me.  I also found that I had time to really talk with the other team members.  Sometimes it was over a bowl of garlic that we were peeling, or green onions that needed prepping.  Other times it was because God brought two of us together in the same location, quite unexpectedly to each of us.  I found out that several of the team members were really struck by the "Trust God!" theme, just as I was.  I think many of us learned some "trust" lessons in Trinidad.  I also got the blessing of spending more time with the Singh family and getting to know them more...what a wonderful family they are!

Unfortunately, I did fall prey to fatigue and selfishness as the trip came near the end and had some apologizing to do.  But I was so thankful to the Lord because He showed me the need for an apology and made a way for me to go to those I had offended and make that apology.  He truly is the God of reconciliation!

Morning exercises - almost time for breakfast!

Preparing for mealtime!  This is just a small section of the room where we eat...there were a LOT of kids this year!!!  These are a few of Roger's campers who took me in throughout the week.

Getting breakfast - the most important meal of the day!  This was also the day that God brought me some girls to visit with - what beautiful smiles they had and what fun it was to chat with them :)

Roger and the boys as we waited for the maxi to take us to the airport.  Last morning at Ridgewalk Camp for 2012.

2012 Trinidad mission team in the airport
(photo courtesy of Amber Rohrer)

I am hoping that I can get Roger on here in the next few days to share some of his experiences from the trip...but I'm still trying to get him on Facebook, too.  He does not have the same "need" to share information through the internet ;)

Rainy Nights and Mondays - Trinidad Style!

Monday has been the toughest camp day for me both times we have been to Trinidad.  The first few days go great because of the excitement over being in a new place and we are just with our team members and the wonderful Singh family.  But then the campers come on Sunday, and things change.  If we were not traveling with our own children, Monday might not hit me so hard.  But that's been the day both times when I worry about our children and how they are fitting in ... or not.

This time was a stretch for me because Joy and I were not together.  Last time I was a counselor, so we were together the whole time.  This provided its own challenges and struggles as I sought to balance meeting her needs (which seemed to be greater than normal) and wanting to have time to focus on the Trini-campers God had brought to my cabin.

I thought this year would be easier because I was not going to be a counselor.  But that also meant trusting Joy's well being to someone other than myself and being apart from her.  That was hard for me in general, and Monday was the hardest day of all.  She came and told me she wanted to be in a different cabin for reasons that were fairly trivial.  I'm not sure if I would have pursued this possibility harder if we had the room, but for the first time God had sent an abundance of girls and there were no available spots in any other cabin.  So she stayed.  And before long she was loving camp...so much she didn't want her new friends to leave on Friday and she didn't want to come back to the States the following Monday.

Our being in separate cabins was just another opportunity for me (and for Joy) to continue to learn to Trust God!  This year we experienced something new - huge thunderstorms in Trinidad.  We were used to tons and tons of rain from 2010, but I don't recall any thunder.  This year we had it two nights...just about all night long, and loud enough to shake the cabins.

At home, Joy comes running to our bed when the thunder wakes her.  But in Trinidad, we were 4 cabins apart.  I was awake much of the night praying for Joy during the storms.  The first night, she slept through all of it :)  The second night of thunder she was awake and was wishing she could be with me, yet she seemed to still be in very good spirits the following day.  God was faithful to ease our fears...literally in the midst of the storms!!


It's appropriate that the Monday theme was "No matter how you feel...Trust God!"   Here, the kids are waiting for the Fizzy Flyer to "pop" and shoot up into the air.  It was used to remind them that even when they feel like they might explode, they can still "Trust God!"

Volleyball quickly turned into mud volleyball...which ended in some slip 'n slide action through the mud bog!

Roger with some of the campers as they wait for food!!

Stretching Joy - More From Trinidad

One of the prayers I prayed while in Trinidad was that our children would begin to learn to say "Yes" when God asks something of them.  I want to be able to show that to our children through the things I say and do and for them to come to simply expect and accept that is what we do as a family and as individual Christians.  Jesus tells us to show our love for Him through our obedience, and I want that for myself and for our children.

Throughout the week I had opportunities to work with Joy on this very issue and to pray with her.  One struggle she faced was in sharing her "stuff" that she brought along.  Because we had a 9 hour layover in Miami and over 6 hours on airplanes that first day, I had packed each of our children a bag of surprises.  It included new coloring books ($1 each) and some Usborne sticker books among other things.

While in camp, Joy started off willing to share some of her coloring pages with her cabin-mates, but was selective about which ones she was willing to share.  She wanted to save her favorites for herself, which is understandable and is our human nature.  But this also gave me an opportunity to talk with her about stretching and being more obedient to Christ's call to do "for the least of these."  I spoke with her about the blessings she has in her life and how she does not know the background of the girls in her cabin.  I explained she could show love by sharing all of her coloring pages...not just the ones she did not like.  We kind of joked that one day Jesus may say to her, "I wanted to color and you shared your favorite pages with Me."  And we prayed together, that God would help Joy choose to set aside what she wanted and be willing to share even when it is difficult.

We also set up some level of protection for her things with her cabin counselors, because some of the girls in the cabin were going into Joy's bags without her permission.  I wanted Joy to understand that while she does need to learn to be obedient to Christ's leading it was okay still to have privacy.

I am happy to report that God was faithful to answer our prayers, and Joy was able to release her hold on some of her favorite coloring pages and share them with her new friends.  I praised her for being willing to be obedient to God's leading and rejoiced in the work God was doing in our little girl!


And now it's time for some pictures from the week...

Joy after mud baseball.  Apparently she offered the photographer (Mr. Gabe) a hug, but he opted for a picture instead!

She is all cleaned up.  Joy LOVES to find a downspout any time there is a downpour.  This is now a tradition she has for each trip to Trinidad.

Performing in the first annual talent show...who knew a Chipette voice would be so well received!

And, Mr. Gabe finally agreed to that hug once she was all cleaned up!!

More Lessons from Trinidad

God has been working in my heart and mind for a few months over some trust issues I've had with Him.  Growing up in church I was fairly isolated and insulated from much of the "bad" of the world and never realized how easy I had it.  I never expected life to get hard.  But I grew up, and it did.

I never expected to miscarry my first pregnancy not long after getting a positive test result, but I did.  I didn't expect to go through that 2 more times over the upcoming years, but I did.  I didn't expect to move to Mississippi in the summer of 2005, only to have a year of total upheaval due to a little hurricane otherwise known as Katrina.  And I didn't expect to have my oldest child get diagnosed on the autism spectrum, but again, that's my life.

So, to say I had trust issues with God is a slight understatement.  Don't get me wrong, I trusted God would do what He needed to do.  I trusted it would be for His glory.  I trusted He was in control.  But I was also terrified because I feared what He might do or allow next.  Each of these things had hurt, and God NEVER promises the Christian an easy life.  I worried about what was coming next... I was fearful!

Enter the VBS theme for this year..."Trust God!"

• No matter who you are...Trust God!
• No matter how you feel...Trust God!
• No matter what others do...Trust God!
• No matter what happens...Trust God!
• No matter where you are...Trust God!

These were our daily themes.  Every day in Trinidad, God showed me that there were going to be times when trusting Him may not come naturally or even seem relevant, but I would need to CHOOSE to trust Him.

For example, the first night when we were exhausted and Ben was becoming increasingly miserable on the twisty bus ride, I had to calm my mind by praying and telling God I was choosing to trust Him in this circumstance.  It seems minor in retrospect, but in the moment it felt big.  Plus God wants us to learn to trust Him in every situation - the little along with the big.  I tend to do better with the big stuff and get more irritable over the little stuff.  As I wrote in my journal the next morning, "The long day of travel is not what I would choose, but every step of the way I need to choose to trust."

God also showed that He has an amazing way of weaving things together.  We spent that first day in camp preparing for when the campers would arrive, including decorating the meeting room, where we would also have church the following morning with 4 local congregations.  What we did not know, and only God could possibly orchestrate was the topic of the sermon.   We explored the story of Joseph and how he trusted God through every circumstance of his life.  So, as we listened to the wonderful sermon prepared by an elder of a local church, we got to see all of our weekly themes posted on the wall behind him.  

My favorite quote from the sermon was "Joseph trusted God no matter how bad the situation got.  Can you say 'no matter what happens, I will trust God'?"

Today, I leave you with two pictures of our family after the church service - we have the good picture (including one of the daily themes in the back ground)...

And the silly one!

Mission Trip Updates - Day One Revelations

I'm hoping for the next few days to make the time and go back through my journal from Trinidad and share parts of it here.   I want my friends and family to know what was on my mind throughout our week.  I will start by saying that this was a VERY different trip experience for me from last time around for many reasons.  I won't go into all of them right now, but just know that the differences all worked together to make this an amazing time for me.

For those who do not attend our church and have not experienced the "Sky" VBS curriculum this summer, you need to know that our theme for the week was "Trust God".  What an amazing theme that is!

Also, for those who do not know Roger and I have discussed adoption from time to time throughout much of our marriage, but only in the last six months did it become something more serious for us to discuss.  And, the day before we left for our trip to Trinidad, we finished and mailed off our adoption application to pursue a Haitian adoption.

Here is my journal entry from July 20, 2012 (our first travel day, which started with our needed to arrive at our church by 2:55 AM - ouch!)

"Do not be afraid to be different from other people.  The path I have called you to travel is exquisitely right for you."  (from the Jesus Calling devotional book)


I have second guessed our adoption plan at times already because it felt as if everyone else is doing China, yet that's a lie.  Just today we met someone adopting from Ethiopia, and have heard about people from our church adopting from China, Congo, domestically and domestically through foster care.  And I have heard of a local family who already adopted from Haiti.  So, no two paths to adoption are the same.  


Lord, help me to keep my eyes on You.  Keep my vision where it should be so I stay on the path You have designed for me and for us as a couple and as a family.


I remember being absolutely amazed that God touched me in such a way that day.  Questions about our adoption plan were not even on my radar as possible things for God to address during our trip, and yet, He did just that.  He put my doubts to rest.  And wonderfully, Roger even came to me later in the week and told me that God had confirmed to him through his counselor experience that he would be able to love children that are not his biological children.  This is just the first way that God (once again) showed  Himself very worthy of our trust!

I leave you with a picture from our first day - we spent a lot of time (about 9 hours) in the Miami airport.  So each of our children had a suitcase filled with quiet activities to keep them entertained.

And, Lord willing, I will be back tomorrow to write about another day or two of our trip...God Bless!

Saying Goodbye and I Love You

We made a very hard, very sad decision this week.  After thirteen plus years together, we are planning for my cat's end of life this weekend.  I have pretty much done all of my married life with him.  Four weeks in, we brought him home and he was all mine right from the beginning.  He loved me and won me over from the moment I took him out of his cage in PetsMart.  He slept next to me, often choosing to be under my arm like a stuffed animal, for so many years.  Yet, somehow I didn't really seem to notice when it stopped.  I have rejoiced and seen it as a good sign when he returned to sleep with me for a couple of months this past fall, but he has stopped again.

This is the cat who was with me through my first of three miscarriages - the one I thought would kill me.  He was my "baby" before God gave me real babies to hold.  He was also the first pet to greet our oldest when we brought him home from the hospital and the pet most willing to accept every other animal that ever came into our home.  He just loved, even going so far as "adopting" the kittens as his own.

But he also was the most fun kitten and young cat I have ever had the pleasure to live with.  He used to love to watch The Spurs with us - he would bat at the basketball on the TV screen.  We had an aquarium screen saver that entertained him quite a bit as well, even if he could actually figure out where those fish went when they got to the end of the screen.  He was also known for pushing other cats into the shower - they would walk along the tub ledge and he would stalk their shadows and pounce on the shower curtain.  Taking a shower was not for the faint of heart in those days because one never knew when you might have to dodge a flying ball of wet fur and claws.

He used to sit in our bedroom window when I would leave the house.  I'd see him there when I pulled into the driveway.  Yet, without fail, he would be sitting at the front door as I walked in.  It seemed to be his goal to be the first to greet me.

For 3-4 years now we have been treating a thyroid disorder.  It is overactive to the point that he simply cannot keep weight on his body and now it seems to hurt him when I pet him past his head.  He no longer wants to be held and he cannot get comfortable on my lap.  He hasn't slept up in our bed in the past few months.  I hate to see him go, but he simply is not comfortable.  And yet, he still tries his best to follow me around and be near me when he's awake.

Lord, I thank You for this very special pet.  He has meant the world to me.  No other pet ever captured my heart the way he did, right from the start.  He has made me laugh and snuggled with me as I cried.  But now, as I cry, he rarely comes to sit with me, he almost never comes to sleep with us and he doesn't come quickly when I call his name.  


Lord, I thank You for peace in the midst of sadness and grief.  It is an unexpected and uncommon feeling for me.  I also thank You for helping me make the decision that needs to be made.  Decisions in general are sometimes hard for me - even easy ones or insignificant ones - and this one is neither easy nor insignificant.  It is sad and it is major, but I feel grown up for making it without taking it lightly or downplaying it.  Thank You for helping me to grieve and yet experience peace at the same time.  I trust You to bring our family through this, and I trust You to help me be the mother my children need as we pass through this valley of sadness.  Thank You Lord, just for being who You are and for loving me.
Amen.

Some Things Never Change

I am working on my annual reorganizing of my home (it might not have to be an annual event if I'd just take the steps to maintain it all, but that's another post for another day).  While working and going through papers, I came across the following note I wrote to myself at some point in the spring of 2010.  First, let me say that I had no idea at that point that the SAT had been overhauled 5 years prior to that, so when you hit that part of my note, realize I was basing that upon my understanding of a 1600 being a perfect score.

Now, on to my note...

"I am having what I like to call an "organizationally challenged" day.  You know, the kind where nothing goes quite right and you'd lose your head if it werent' attached.  It was set up by the fact that I stayed up entirely too late working on all the new supplies I have purchased to implement the hundreds of new, fantastic ideas that I got at the homeschool convention.  Ideas that will revolutionize our homeschool and turn our children into authors, ballerina/cowboy, rocket-scientist, missionaries who will score the first-ever recorded 2000 on the SAT at the age of 9.

Of course, I will soon wear myself out attempting to organize and implement all of these wonderful new ideas that I heard in my classes, and all of these late night projects I spent hours completing will go into storage along with the various things I brought home last year but never used.  And I will go back to simply having the goal of enjoying my children and hoping to raise joyful, well-adjusted people who love Jesus and live for Him."

Back to 2012, and I laugh as I read this knowing that I still probably have some of those supplies in my stash and yet again I'm trying to organize them and figure out the best way to proceed in our homeschool.  And oh how I hope and pray that we are, in fact, raising joyful, well-adjusted people who love Jesus and always live for Him.

Happy New Year!!