Today I wanted to share something from the journal that I keep. My head and heart keep returning to the ideas contained within, so I felt the desire to share... In case I don't make it back in here before Sunday, Merry Christmas to all!!
Journal entry 12-20-11
Do I offend God? God gave salvation to the Gentile because Israel refused it - much like how I feel if my children act ungrateful for things. I want to take these things away and give them to someone appreciative.
Do I do that to You, Lord? Do I reject some of Your good and perfect gifts? Do I miss Your blessing because I think I don't deserve it or because the blessing comes disguised in what I see as something unpleasant? I am thankful I did not refuse the gift of salvation and trusting in Christ for my eternity. But, to have the abundant life in John 10:10, do I need to keep receiving Your gifts, and accepting them gratefully?
Lord, have I been given gifts that never got opened? Have I opened some and laid them aside? Have I wanted to return some and exchange them for what I thought to be the right thing? The thing I wanted? Lord, I am sorry for my ungrateful, controlling heart - please forgive me and help me to choose differently.
Lord, help me to begin to take the steps needed to live with purpose. Help me to gratefully receive each of Your good and perfect gifts, even the ones that don't seem to fit at the time. Stretch me to fit them. Even the gifts that seem ugly at first - help me to see the beauty in them. Even the ones I want to exchange - help me to see how they are perfectly designed for me. And help me to joyfully cheer on the one who receives what I thought I wanted more. Help me to trust in YOUR judgement and YOUR motives, Lord. Help me to have an accurate perception of Your gifts to me, Lord.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Inadequacy (did I spell that right?)
Some days I just feel inadequate. Sometimes I feel like an inadequate wife. Often I feel like an inadequate friend. And I always feel like an inadequate housekeeper...but the one that hits me the hardest is when I feel inadequate as a mother.
Today was one of those days. It usually hits when I'm working with our oldest on just about any subject. Because of his diagnosis, teaching him can be challenging at times. And then he can end up in tears...and then I can end up in tears, or frustrated, or both. I get frustrated because he doesn't get it. I get frustrated because I don't have the right words to explain it to him. I get fearful because I worry that he'll never get it and I'll never have the words to explain it to him. I get fearful because I wonder what his future will look like. And I just want to sit in a corner and cry and let the world go by.
But, thankfully, at least for today, I was able to talk him through. I was able to calmly ask the other two children to go play in another room so I could focus on only one thing. And in the end we had success. And I did not cry (in that moment - I did cry just now as I was replaying it all in my mind).
In my head I KNOW that God has put this course before me. I KNOW He has given me these children and I KNOW that He does not make mistakes about these things. But in my deepest places, I fear messing up. I fear being less than what my children need. I fear not doing the right things for them, not training them enough, not equipping them for things that are important, etc.
And I know I'm not alone, but when I'm in the midst of the fear, I feel alone. I also know, though, that as long as I rely on God and trust in Him and continue to press on (rather than giving in to the desire to just curl up in a ball as opposed to climbing the mountain ahead of me), these things don't make me a bad mother. In fact, in a lot of ways, they probably make me a typical and good, loving mother. But it's hard to see that in the middle of the storm.
Today was one of those days. It usually hits when I'm working with our oldest on just about any subject. Because of his diagnosis, teaching him can be challenging at times. And then he can end up in tears...and then I can end up in tears, or frustrated, or both. I get frustrated because he doesn't get it. I get frustrated because I don't have the right words to explain it to him. I get fearful because I worry that he'll never get it and I'll never have the words to explain it to him. I get fearful because I wonder what his future will look like. And I just want to sit in a corner and cry and let the world go by.
But, thankfully, at least for today, I was able to talk him through. I was able to calmly ask the other two children to go play in another room so I could focus on only one thing. And in the end we had success. And I did not cry (in that moment - I did cry just now as I was replaying it all in my mind).
In my head I KNOW that God has put this course before me. I KNOW He has given me these children and I KNOW that He does not make mistakes about these things. But in my deepest places, I fear messing up. I fear being less than what my children need. I fear not doing the right things for them, not training them enough, not equipping them for things that are important, etc.
And I know I'm not alone, but when I'm in the midst of the fear, I feel alone. I also know, though, that as long as I rely on God and trust in Him and continue to press on (rather than giving in to the desire to just curl up in a ball as opposed to climbing the mountain ahead of me), these things don't make me a bad mother. In fact, in a lot of ways, they probably make me a typical and good, loving mother. But it's hard to see that in the middle of the storm.
Friday, December 2, 2011
A Change in Direction
Yesterday was an interesting day at our co-op. It was the beginning of the end, and yet in some ways it was also the best day ever.
This has been our first year in a co-op. In previous years we had been too involved with therapies and simply getting my feet under me as a homeschool mom to even seriously consider such a possibility. Besides, I didn't want to give up our time to go and help teach even more kids and have to plan for that in addition to planning for our own homeschool. It just sounded too intimidating.
But last winter, God began working in my heart to make some changes. I began to feel that rather than continuing with Ben's 8 hour a week ABA program, we should look at a co-op for the fall. I began to believe that being surrounded by "typical" children and doing a few hours of school in a classroom setting would benefit him more than the one-on-one he was receiving. He was ready for this step.
We visited two co-ops because that is all we could find at the time. The first one we visited scared Ben at times, but he had caring teachers who helped him through the day. After all, this was his first time in a new classroom setting in several years. While he attends Sunday School, every year as he moved up, the same children went with him, so this was the first totally new group setting he had experienced in years.
As soon as we left that co-op, I felt it was the one we were to join, but we still had another visit scheduled with the other co-op. Plus, the one we had just visited was full, and had a waiting list.
After visiting the second co-op, I was even more convinced that God was leading us to the first one, so I sent in my paperwork and joined the waitlist for the upcoming year. About a month later, I inquired about our spot on the waitlist and was told that since someone else with 3 children the same grades as ours had dropped the very day I inquired, the leader would take that as a sign from God that we were in.
Over the summer, I became excited as I saw emails about what subjects the kids would be studying. But then it was changing and by the time we had our first meeting, there had been many changes as many families had decided after committing to the year that God was actually leading them in a different direction. The numbers were down and some classes still needed teachers. I was told this was a first for this strong, well-led co-op.
As this year has gone on, families continued to drop out, one-by-one, and sometimes multiple families in one week dropped. Moms were often being called upon to fill in and it was difficult for this new mom to make connections with the constant changes that were going on.
I, too, began considering leaving the co-op. But it was not a clear cut decision. For one thing, Ben was thriving in the setting. While he still will not ask for help from a strange teacher when he doesn't understand something, the numbers were such that teachers would take note of his needs and offer assistance. And he was volunteering answers to questions that were asked of the group. It was amazing watching him speak up without it being something scripted. And Matthew was getting a chance to learn and play with boys his age and he was loving that. Oddly enough, my social butterfly, Joy, was struggling the most at fitting in and finding her place.
The reasons I was considering leaving was the burden it was becoming whenever a mom stayed home with sick children or went on vacation, and it was discouraging to see so many moms dropping out. And with the exception of the moms I was talking with 2 weeks ago, every single time I began to get to know a mom, she dropped out. But God brought me to the co-op and He had not yet given me clear leading to leave it either.
Well, yesterday, the decision was made for me. We have two more weeks of co-op classes, then after a big field trip and a party, our co-op will be no more. To some extent, I felt relieved to not have to make a decision and to have stuck with my commitment. But I also felt sad because I finally felt like I was connecting with some of the other moms. And I felt confused...why had God brought me to a co-op that He knew would not survive the year. But I think He also answered that very question for me yesterday and the time before in the conversations that were had by the moms around a conference table.
Many of the moms in that co-op have adopted some of the children in their families. And there is even at least one mom who is an adoptee. And Roger and I have been praying about and considering what our role is to be regarding orphans in this world. Are we to adopt? Are we to foster? Or is His plan that we support those who are called to the front lines of this ministry area?
While I have known people who have adopted, never before have I been surrounded by it the way I have felt these last two times we have been at co-op. Never before have I had the opportunity to have such an open and honest conversation about adoption and the blessings that come through it.
While I still don't know exactly what this means for our family, I have met some moms who feel the same burden that we feel, people who will pray for us as we seek God's guidance and wisdom and people I can contact when and if we have questions. So, while this co-op experience was only to be a brief season for us, it will undoubtedly have a bigger impact than I ever could have anticipated when we went for that first visit last spring.
Thank you to God who kept it afloat for these past few months, and to the WOM leadership who was faithful in following His leading to continue up until now.
This has been our first year in a co-op. In previous years we had been too involved with therapies and simply getting my feet under me as a homeschool mom to even seriously consider such a possibility. Besides, I didn't want to give up our time to go and help teach even more kids and have to plan for that in addition to planning for our own homeschool. It just sounded too intimidating.
But last winter, God began working in my heart to make some changes. I began to feel that rather than continuing with Ben's 8 hour a week ABA program, we should look at a co-op for the fall. I began to believe that being surrounded by "typical" children and doing a few hours of school in a classroom setting would benefit him more than the one-on-one he was receiving. He was ready for this step.
We visited two co-ops because that is all we could find at the time. The first one we visited scared Ben at times, but he had caring teachers who helped him through the day. After all, this was his first time in a new classroom setting in several years. While he attends Sunday School, every year as he moved up, the same children went with him, so this was the first totally new group setting he had experienced in years.
As soon as we left that co-op, I felt it was the one we were to join, but we still had another visit scheduled with the other co-op. Plus, the one we had just visited was full, and had a waiting list.
After visiting the second co-op, I was even more convinced that God was leading us to the first one, so I sent in my paperwork and joined the waitlist for the upcoming year. About a month later, I inquired about our spot on the waitlist and was told that since someone else with 3 children the same grades as ours had dropped the very day I inquired, the leader would take that as a sign from God that we were in.
Over the summer, I became excited as I saw emails about what subjects the kids would be studying. But then it was changing and by the time we had our first meeting, there had been many changes as many families had decided after committing to the year that God was actually leading them in a different direction. The numbers were down and some classes still needed teachers. I was told this was a first for this strong, well-led co-op.
As this year has gone on, families continued to drop out, one-by-one, and sometimes multiple families in one week dropped. Moms were often being called upon to fill in and it was difficult for this new mom to make connections with the constant changes that were going on.
I, too, began considering leaving the co-op. But it was not a clear cut decision. For one thing, Ben was thriving in the setting. While he still will not ask for help from a strange teacher when he doesn't understand something, the numbers were such that teachers would take note of his needs and offer assistance. And he was volunteering answers to questions that were asked of the group. It was amazing watching him speak up without it being something scripted. And Matthew was getting a chance to learn and play with boys his age and he was loving that. Oddly enough, my social butterfly, Joy, was struggling the most at fitting in and finding her place.
The reasons I was considering leaving was the burden it was becoming whenever a mom stayed home with sick children or went on vacation, and it was discouraging to see so many moms dropping out. And with the exception of the moms I was talking with 2 weeks ago, every single time I began to get to know a mom, she dropped out. But God brought me to the co-op and He had not yet given me clear leading to leave it either.
Well, yesterday, the decision was made for me. We have two more weeks of co-op classes, then after a big field trip and a party, our co-op will be no more. To some extent, I felt relieved to not have to make a decision and to have stuck with my commitment. But I also felt sad because I finally felt like I was connecting with some of the other moms. And I felt confused...why had God brought me to a co-op that He knew would not survive the year. But I think He also answered that very question for me yesterday and the time before in the conversations that were had by the moms around a conference table.
Many of the moms in that co-op have adopted some of the children in their families. And there is even at least one mom who is an adoptee. And Roger and I have been praying about and considering what our role is to be regarding orphans in this world. Are we to adopt? Are we to foster? Or is His plan that we support those who are called to the front lines of this ministry area?
While I have known people who have adopted, never before have I been surrounded by it the way I have felt these last two times we have been at co-op. Never before have I had the opportunity to have such an open and honest conversation about adoption and the blessings that come through it.
While I still don't know exactly what this means for our family, I have met some moms who feel the same burden that we feel, people who will pray for us as we seek God's guidance and wisdom and people I can contact when and if we have questions. So, while this co-op experience was only to be a brief season for us, it will undoubtedly have a bigger impact than I ever could have anticipated when we went for that first visit last spring.
Thank you to God who kept it afloat for these past few months, and to the WOM leadership who was faithful in following His leading to continue up until now.
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