Some days I just feel inadequate. Sometimes I feel like an inadequate wife. Often I feel like an inadequate friend. And I always feel like an inadequate housekeeper...but the one that hits me the hardest is when I feel inadequate as a mother.
Today was one of those days. It usually hits when I'm working with our oldest on just about any subject. Because of his diagnosis, teaching him can be challenging at times. And then he can end up in tears...and then I can end up in tears, or frustrated, or both. I get frustrated because he doesn't get it. I get frustrated because I don't have the right words to explain it to him. I get fearful because I worry that he'll never get it and I'll never have the words to explain it to him. I get fearful because I wonder what his future will look like. And I just want to sit in a corner and cry and let the world go by.
But, thankfully, at least for today, I was able to talk him through. I was able to calmly ask the other two children to go play in another room so I could focus on only one thing. And in the end we had success. And I did not cry (in that moment - I did cry just now as I was replaying it all in my mind).
In my head I KNOW that God has put this course before me. I KNOW He has given me these children and I KNOW that He does not make mistakes about these things. But in my deepest places, I fear messing up. I fear being less than what my children need. I fear not doing the right things for them, not training them enough, not equipping them for things that are important, etc.
And I know I'm not alone, but when I'm in the midst of the fear, I feel alone. I also know, though, that as long as I rely on God and trust in Him and continue to press on (rather than giving in to the desire to just curl up in a ball as opposed to climbing the mountain ahead of me), these things don't make me a bad mother. In fact, in a lot of ways, they probably make me a typical and good, loving mother. But it's hard to see that in the middle of the storm.
me too!
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