A Day of Prayer

The adoption process can be very discouraging.  It can drive one crazy.  Each path to adoption is individual, yet it is so much better when you can find someone (or lots of someones) who are walking the road of adoption, too.

We know several families locally who are adopting, and we strive to encourage one another.  But we have also been led down different paths to adoption, and we are the only local family adopting from Haiti.  I feel blessed that when we went to Haiti, we met several other families who are adopting from Haiti.  However, we have also been able to connect with a group of families through social media who are adopting not only from Haiti, but from our same orphanage.  We can compare progress reports, encourage each other, grumble a little at times (oops) and pray for one another.  The process to and through Haiti is unlike any other, and there have been rumors of lots of changes recently.  There have been significant stalls in steps in recent months.  It has always been unclear as to how long the process will take for these beautiful children who have families waiting for them but are stuck somewhere in the process.  Haiti is a country where a "match" between an orphan and an adoptive family is made early in the process, but then there is a long wait until the two can be united as one family.

A week or two ago, one of the families in our group suggested that we pray as a group for each other and for the children and the process.  While we have each been doing this as individuals and as families, the suggestion was that we have a designated time of prayer and those who live near each other gather together for corporate prayer.  Tonight is the night!!!  There are several families in Kansas who are all adopting from this same orphanage who will be meeting together for prayer.  But there are also families in Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Arizona, Tennessee and South Dakota (among others) who will be joining in from their homes.

We will be praying for the beautiful children who are waiting to join their families, and for the families who are waiting.  We all need God's strength to help us endure, to know when to push and to be patient when that is what is needed.  We will be praying that the process in Haiti will become smoother, while still ensuring that the children are protected and well cared for.  We are praying that the children will understand that the families who are adopting them have not abandoned them, and that we will come for them as soon as possible.  We are praying for the director and the staff at the orphanage where our children are living, for their ministry, their strength and encouragement.

I am so thankful that God designed this idea of adoption for those who are in need of a new family, but I am sad that it is needed, that so many families are broken, and so many children are in need.  And I am sad that the adoption process itself seems to be broken at times with delays, red tape and "good intentions" by organizations that intentionally impede the process in order to prevent a break in culture.

Will you join us today?  Will you join us every day?  We are told to "pray without ceasing" in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, and the adoption process has highlighted this need to me like nothing before in my life.  I used to wonder how it was possible to "pray without ceasing", but now I'm beginning to wonder how it is possible not to do so.  Our girls need our prayers.  They need someone in their corner, no matter what and no matter how long it is until we hug them again or until they are able to come live with us.

The girls at the orphanage

During our first bonding trip in January

Every Christian is called to help the orphan.  We may not all be called to open our homes, but we each can help the orphan through prayer.  So, as you read this, please take a moment to lift up the millions of orphans worldwide who are in need...and please say an extra prayer for the children of Haiti, and our girls in particular.

A Little More About Our Trip

The first day or two, while good, were also awkward.  We were in a foreign country that we had never visited, with two girls who will be our daughters, speaking a different language from them and several of the hotel staff for four days.  To say I was out of my comfort zone would be an understatement.  And while in theory I'd known that going in, the reality of it all felt very different from what I'd expected.  I think I expected an immediate bond.  While that is not logical or wisdom based, it is what we dreamers like to envision.

The first day and a half we did activities with the girls, but the connection wasn't there.  I was missing our biological children terribly and having second thoughts by the minute.  Even though pictures would show we were having fun, the true bond was not yet developing.  I missed being able to communicate with ease, both to express my thoughts to them and to understand what they were experiencing.

On day 2, "G" had her first fit.  She and "J" both wanted a Big Wheel bike that was at the pool.  "G" had it first and had ridden it, so we wanted her to give "J" a turn.  "G" wanted nothing to do with that idea.  "J" probably also said something to further irritate her little sister.  While we don't know because we cannot speak Creole, body language indicated that she did that often when a sibling battle would break out, so I would imagine it may have happened this time as well.

Anyway, "G" became angry and shut down.  I took her to a chair and pulled her into my lap and held her through the fit.  In time she began to snuggle in, and that was the beginning of a real bond.  She and I had several bumps throughout the next day, but every time it seemed to help our bond.  Unfortunately, it made it harder for me to make the time for "J", who was more easy going with us and less likely to seek our attention.  However, as the days passed, she became more outgoing and through it all she enjoyed doing activities with Roger.  Finally, on day 3 she let us know that she does speak some English and she was now open to asking us how to say words in English.  Up to that point she was only interested in teaching us words in Creole.

There were times on the trip that I seriously doubted we were doing the right thing for them.  Why take them away from all they have known?  Why not just send money so they could stay in Haiti and have their needs met.  I missed our biological children so much I ached, and at the same time we had children with us who were crying themselves to sleep the second night because they so obviously missed they orphanage and their friends.  And they've had so much change in their short, little lives.

But then I began to ponder what hope they would have if they remained.  Yes, in the orphanage they have far greater opportunities, far greater safety and needs that are met which could not be met in the village.  But their true hope probably cannot come from the orphanage.  Of course, their true hope can only come from Christ, but their temporal, earthly hopes cannot be fully met in an orphanage.  They have stated they desire to have a mom and a dad, they want to be part of a family.  But change is scary. I am so thankful for every bump we faced while in Haiti, because every emotional struggle I faced, every doubt and conflicted feeling will help me to better relate to what they will face as they transition to their new home and new family.  My experiences will have been minor in comparison, but it will help me to be more aware.

Lord, help me to be the mom to all 5 of our children that they each need, the mom that only You can make me to be.

There was a switch with our girls the 3rd evening when I realized it truly would be just as hard to leave them as it had been to leave our biological children, when I realized that in my heart "J" and "G" are my daughters, not just  two girls we were caring for.   And our final day together was so much smoother and more enjoyable as a result.

Lord, thank You for a bonding trip that truly bonded.  Please watch over and guard these wonderful girls.  Help them believe we love them and we will come back or them.  And please help this process to speed up for everyone!

Our last evening together.

My favorite.  I LOVE the expression on "G's" face and "J" being more snuggled up to me.

"G" is excited about her new bag and getting to go back to see her friends.  I'm not sure she realized we were leaving though, because there are lots of tears at the airport before she gets to go back to her friends.

A final photo at our hotel

Meeting our Beauties

Last month we were blessed with the opportunity to go to Haiti to meet the girls we are planning to adopt.  We were officially matched with them in early December only to find out a week later that the military had made plans to temporarily relocate Roger to a less desirable location...he was getting deployed.  We quickly contacted our agency to find out how this might impact our progress because there are papers that need to be filed in person in Haiti.

I cannot speak highly enough about our agency's response to this matter.  The director of the Haiti adoption program immediately offered us the opportunity to go to Haiti in order to meet the girls. We knew up front that we would not yet be able to file the paperwork because it wouldn't be ready.  But part of the paperwork is stating that we have met the girls and that we definitely desire to adopt them, so we needed to find a time that Roger could meet them before the deployment.

Plans were quickly made and summer clothing was located for the girls because we were asked to bring along anything the girls might need for the time we were visiting with them.  Finding summer clothes in January was no easy task.  In fact, next year instead of complaining that swimwear is in stores by January, I'm going to ask why they don't just keep it out year round.  We also brought along as many diapers and wipes as we could fit into our luggage in order to bless the orphanage.  Two amazing things happened as we prepared for our trip.  First, Roger's deployment was canceled just days before our trip (but our agency still said we were welcome to visit the girls) and we found out of a dire need for diapers.  So, God had made a way for us to be available to meet a concrete need in addition to the opportunity to begin bonding with our girls.

The experience in Haiti was, in some ways, beyond explanation.  It was exciting and unnerving; wonderful and terrible; happy and very, very sad.  The girls were brought to meet us at the airport.  We came out of a tiny yet chaotic international airport, across a bumpy, bustling parking area and suddenly the girls we had seen in pictures were right in front of us.  I honestly don't remember much of this moment.  I wish I could say it was etched in my memory, but even though I thought they might be there, it caught me off guard to have them standing in front of me.

Once we were in the car, we were offered the chance to go back to the orphanage or to go straight to our hotel with the girls.  We chose the orphanage, and I am so glad we did because it was our only opportunity on this trip to see first hand where our girls live.  Much of the drive to the orphanage was on bumpy but paved roads and the sites were not as dire as I had anticipated.  However, just before we arrived at the orphanage, we entered an area with more evidence of poverty and the road became one that was shockingly bumpy.  It may have been the roughest terrain I had ever experienced, and I grew up on a farm.  Thankfully we only had to travel about a quarter to half a mile through this rough terrain.

While at the orphanage we were able to see where our girls sleep, attend classes and live their day to day life.  They stuck with us like glue and seemed very happy to have us there.  We did later find out that the only question they had for us was whether we had brought them dolls.  Sadly we had not because we had sent them some at Christmas time, but I suspect those had already either been torn up from rough play or had become community property as we never saw them during our visit.

The orphanage was not the horror stories people hear.  It was on a large piece of land with a garden, a swing set, and a basketball court.  Each child appeared to have his/her own bed and there is running water for showers.  There is filtered water for drinking. This is vital in Haiti where much of the water is not safe for drinking.  There is a school which is not just for the children of the orphanage, but also for children in the community.  There is a brand new medical clinic which is almost finished.  The children are not being neglected and most were seen with smiles on their faces, and sadly, most probably don't even realize that their situations can get even better.  But as we found out during our time with our girls, before it gets really better, it will probably get very scary for them because they will have to leave what they know to find out what their future can hold.

Here are a few pictures from our first day...before things got unsettled and scary...and then beautiful again.

The girls insisted on sharing the pair of floaties, but they are so thin the floaties would not stay up on their arms.

 Enjoying the pool - it was freezing cold so they only lasted a little while, but they enjoyed it until they started to shiver.

One of my favorite pictures of her - she has such a beautiful smile.

Warming up after a chilly swim

  

Back in the room on our first day...everyone is happy with each other and all was going well.

Our Path to Haiti

We had an interesting question from a friend recently.  He was wondering just how a family who wants to adopt makes the decisions involved that leads up to a match.  He specifically asked about location - domestic or international, and if international, what country?  But I think the question also speaks to the many decisions an adoptive family must make as they embark upon this road.

In our case, we had always discussed adoption as something we thought was neat, interesting and maybe some far off possibility.  In looking back, I'm still not exactly certain how we got from "how cool" to "let's do it" other than the fact that every place we turned God was bringing adoptive families into our world.  Then we read "Adopted for Life".  Then I told God "yes" if this what what He wanted us to do, I wanted to do it, too...and then I told my husband.  He was caught a bit off guard and had to get up to speed before we could proceed.  But even then, we were cautious.

Because we have 3 biological children and I have become quite accustomed to having children who are a bit more self-sufficient, I did not desire to return to the infant stage of life.  Therefore, one of the first things we considered was whether we wanted to become foster/adopt parents to older preschoolers or early elementary aged children.  However, because we are a military family and therefore could be required to move, we did not think that would be a good match.  In addition, because we are a homeschool family, we want to be able to make educational decisions for all of our children and we would not have that freedom during the foster care stage.

So, we began considering international adoption, but as our friend asked, which country would be the right country for our family?  Where did God want us to go?  The first thing we did was obtain some recommendations for adoption agencies others had used for international adoptions.  Then we looked at the programs they offered.  Then I freaked out.

All the countries required more than I'd expected...more time until we could have our child(ren) home with us, more time in their country during the proceedings than I could ever envision spending, more trips back and forth and more money than I'd realized.  About a month into the process, China became a strong contender and we began researching that.  But I also felt strongly about adopting 2 children, preferably siblings.  At one point I felt strongly that we were to seek 2 Chinese girls and name them Hope and Faith, only to find out that China made adopting two very difficult.  I could not find possible ways to adopt 2 unless we were willing to take a chance on special needs that may be more significant, and finding known siblings would be almost impossible unless there was a set of twins.

But we pressed on and we contacted CCAI (the CC stands for "Chinese Children") at the recommendation of a friend who thought we could get our questions answered regarding our eligibility and available children.  During that process we discovered that this agency that is highly respected for Chinese adoptions also had an adoption program with Haiti, and Haiti was the other country that I had highly desired for our adoption.   Although we had never been to Haiti, we have ties in the Caribbean through our mission trips to Trinidad and we loved the area and the people we had met.  Plus, after the earthquake of 2010 who didn't have a stirring for Haitian child?   But Haiti has a law against parents with biological children in their home adopting Haitian children.  And you have to visit multiple times, therefore leaving the child(ren) you have met and bonded with behind in the orphanage.  I couldn't do that, or so I said.

First, we found out that while it involves an extra step and extra time, Haiti does allow parents with biological children to adopt with a Presidential Dispensation.  It requires no extra work on the part of the adoptive parent, but does require added patience as there is no rhyme or reason to the timeframe in a Haitian adoption.  Second, we found out that we could qualify to adopt 2 children with our current 3 biological children at home.  And, third, the Lord impressed upon my heart that someone needs to be willing to go, fall in love with a child, and leave him/her behind for a time or no one will do it and adoptions from Haiti will cease.  There were two children in Haiti who we had never met, but who we had prayed for, and who would be counting on our being willing to suffer great sadness in being separated from them in order to give them the forever family they needed.

There have been many times in these past 7 months when I have told myself that what we are doing is crazy, that I am ill-prepared, that this is a mistake.  But my heart tells me otherwise.  The message God gave me over and over again last summer was "Trust God", and every time I get fearful, discouraged or disheartened I consciously remind myself I am going to choose to trust God with this situation.  Trust is a CHOICE!  And I am choosing to trust that we are on the path God has set us upon and He will bring us through and use the trials to teach, stretch and grow us.

As for the names "Hope" and "Faith", our girls already have Haitian names and they don't seem to have any particular English meaning - no hidden "Hope" or "Faith" in there although that would have made a really cool ending to this story.  We don't know if we will change their names, or simply give them American middle names - the choice will be theirs about the first names because we don't desire to take their identity away from them, only add to it.  But I was drawn to a particular Bible verse recently. It's one I have been familiar with, but it took on new meaning for me..."Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1).  It fits nicely to where we are as we hope for the future with all 5 of our children and we have faith that God will finish what He has started.

Beginning to Catch Up

This will probably be a multi-day process because it's been a long time since I've posted and lots has happened since then.  The last I posted, we were just starting the adoption process.  I could just jump to where we are now (matched and we've met our children - stick around and there will be pictures in future posts), but I don't want to jump over the hurdles we've faced and evidences of God's work too quickly.

Right after my last post we began a great flurry of activity.  There were legal documents to gather, physicals for each family member to obtain, bank statements to print out, forms of identification to copy, fingerprinting to do...the list goes on and on.  Each foreign country has its own list of criteria and paperwork.  The two things that Haiti required that added extra layers of appointments and paperwork were a letter from a psychiatrist (preferably, but none were willing to meet with us) or psychologist, stating that we were mentally stable to adopt, and my birth certificate had to match my other identifying documents.

Both of these added time to our process, time that we didn't want to be spending on paperwork, but that we now know were perfectly aligned with God's timing for our match.  The letter from a psychiatrist/psychologist was very disheartening for a while.  Because we have no prior relationship with either (except for the child psychologist who diagnosed our son with autism spectrum disorder), we had a very difficult time finding anyone who would even consider meeting with us.  I understand that they want to be cautious, because it is their credentials on the line if they miss something significant, but no one even wanted to discuss meeting with us and doing a letter.  We finally did find someone, and that meeting felt disastrous.  It may have simply been nerves on my part, but it felt as if this psychologist was tearing us apart, viewing us as cultish, and dare I say it, crazy.  I left that meeting feeling very disheartened.  It was eye-opening and made me realize my world has gotten a little too closed off because everyone I know wholeheartedly supports adoption, homeschooling and our faith.  I need some people in my life who are not totally like-minded so I don't get too complacent.  But, that said, I also felt we needed to find someone else to do our letter.

Fortunately, as soon as we shared our concern among church friends, we began to get recommendations for other professionals who are Christian and who support both adoption and homeschooling.  In the end, we met with someone who volunteered to meet with us, who had seen us in social settings and with our biological children, who has seen my husband in professional settings and who could give a well-informed opinion of our ability to parent adoptive children...and he even prayed for us before we left his office.  God totally blessed us in this step!

The name spelling issue may come as a surprise to anyone reading this who has met me since middle school.  That's about the time that I grew tired of the spelling of my name that was on my birth certificate and I began to use the "ie" form of my name.  It's hard to believe that 2 little letters could cause such a hold up, but Haiti requires that all documents be identical, or a legal name change form be provided.  While I had my driver's license, social security card, passport, all tax returns for many years, all property and legal documents in the "ie" spelling, I had never gone before a judge and paid the court costs to legally change the spelling.  When I began changing these documents, I was in college and someone at one of the above offices let me fill out a name change form without problem and I thought it was no big deal...and it hadn't been until we started the adoption process.  So, on October 3, I officially became "Stacie" rather than "Stacey"...much to my attorney neighbor's chagrin.  He thought I should have taken this opportunity to select a much more interesting (crazy) name.  I guess that's what I get for seeking free legal advise ;)

Final Reflections (I think)

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that this year's trip to Trinidad was very different for me than when we went 2 years ago.  Part of that was due to my responsibility shift.  Last time I was a counselor, in a cabin with a Trini counselor, 5 Trini campers and Joy.  I had many opportunities to spend time with these young ladies and begin to get to know them.  To my delight, all but one of the girls returned to camp this year so I was able to see them again and catch up a little...but they have a new counselor who was also with them last year.  So, they had been turned over to good hands.

This year I was in the kitchen in the morning (which I LOVED) and a co-leader of "Imagination Station" (a combination of science and crafts) in the afternoon.  That was probably my biggest stretch of the week, because I struggle with presenting a lesson to a larger group...I like the more intimate nature of a smaller group.

As a result, I was feeling a little sorry for myself one morning during my quiet time.  I felt disconnected from the children, yet I was loving the bonding that was occurring with team members during my kitchen time and side conversations.  That morning I brought my concerns to the Lord, asking Him for a connection with the children, and He was faithful to deliver.  Only an hour later, as we prepared for breakfast, some girls began showing up and chatting with us as they waited for their meals to be ready. And then, a few of the boys from Roger's cabin began giving me a hug whenever they passed by.

Another big difference this year was my attitude.  Last time we went (in 2010), I wanted to be there, but I was also fearful.  It was new, it was hot, and I was not in control.  It was odd having no say in the schedule, and the hours were hard on our children; therefore, they were hard on me.  I was not the best team member I could be.

Last year we prayed and prayed about going, but God never confirmed to us that we were to be part of that team.  It turned out there was a different need for us at the very same time as the trip, but that was not the only reason.  God showed me that I had not been the blessing I could have been on the previous trip - I had been blessed by it, and I had grown from it.  I had connected with some of the girls and been and encouragement to them, but I had not been a blessing to my team - I had not dealt well with what was asked and required of me.  So, I told God that I wanted to go back, but not until He had worked in my heart and I could go and be a blessing.

This year (just like in 2010), He confirmed to us that we were to be part of the team on the day of the deadline for the trip - LOL!  This time, He made it clear to me that He had been working in my heart, and I was becoming a different person.

Don't get me wrong - I wasn't perfect, and every good thing that poured out from me was because of Him.  One thing that was different was I got up every morning and spent time with Him before I spent time with others.  What a blessing that was to me.  I also found that I had time to really talk with the other team members.  Sometimes it was over a bowl of garlic that we were peeling, or green onions that needed prepping.  Other times it was because God brought two of us together in the same location, quite unexpectedly to each of us.  I found out that several of the team members were really struck by the "Trust God!" theme, just as I was.  I think many of us learned some "trust" lessons in Trinidad.  I also got the blessing of spending more time with the Singh family and getting to know them more...what a wonderful family they are!

Unfortunately, I did fall prey to fatigue and selfishness as the trip came near the end and had some apologizing to do.  But I was so thankful to the Lord because He showed me the need for an apology and made a way for me to go to those I had offended and make that apology.  He truly is the God of reconciliation!

Morning exercises - almost time for breakfast!

Preparing for mealtime!  This is just a small section of the room where we eat...there were a LOT of kids this year!!!  These are a few of Roger's campers who took me in throughout the week.

Getting breakfast - the most important meal of the day!  This was also the day that God brought me some girls to visit with - what beautiful smiles they had and what fun it was to chat with them :)

Roger and the boys as we waited for the maxi to take us to the airport.  Last morning at Ridgewalk Camp for 2012.

2012 Trinidad mission team in the airport
(photo courtesy of Amber Rohrer)

I am hoping that I can get Roger on here in the next few days to share some of his experiences from the trip...but I'm still trying to get him on Facebook, too.  He does not have the same "need" to share information through the internet ;)

Rainy Nights and Mondays - Trinidad Style!

Monday has been the toughest camp day for me both times we have been to Trinidad.  The first few days go great because of the excitement over being in a new place and we are just with our team members and the wonderful Singh family.  But then the campers come on Sunday, and things change.  If we were not traveling with our own children, Monday might not hit me so hard.  But that's been the day both times when I worry about our children and how they are fitting in ... or not.

This time was a stretch for me because Joy and I were not together.  Last time I was a counselor, so we were together the whole time.  This provided its own challenges and struggles as I sought to balance meeting her needs (which seemed to be greater than normal) and wanting to have time to focus on the Trini-campers God had brought to my cabin.

I thought this year would be easier because I was not going to be a counselor.  But that also meant trusting Joy's well being to someone other than myself and being apart from her.  That was hard for me in general, and Monday was the hardest day of all.  She came and told me she wanted to be in a different cabin for reasons that were fairly trivial.  I'm not sure if I would have pursued this possibility harder if we had the room, but for the first time God had sent an abundance of girls and there were no available spots in any other cabin.  So she stayed.  And before long she was loving camp...so much she didn't want her new friends to leave on Friday and she didn't want to come back to the States the following Monday.

Our being in separate cabins was just another opportunity for me (and for Joy) to continue to learn to Trust God!  This year we experienced something new - huge thunderstorms in Trinidad.  We were used to tons and tons of rain from 2010, but I don't recall any thunder.  This year we had it two nights...just about all night long, and loud enough to shake the cabins.

At home, Joy comes running to our bed when the thunder wakes her.  But in Trinidad, we were 4 cabins apart.  I was awake much of the night praying for Joy during the storms.  The first night, she slept through all of it :)  The second night of thunder she was awake and was wishing she could be with me, yet she seemed to still be in very good spirits the following day.  God was faithful to ease our fears...literally in the midst of the storms!!


It's appropriate that the Monday theme was "No matter how you feel...Trust God!"   Here, the kids are waiting for the Fizzy Flyer to "pop" and shoot up into the air.  It was used to remind them that even when they feel like they might explode, they can still "Trust God!"

Volleyball quickly turned into mud volleyball...which ended in some slip 'n slide action through the mud bog!

Roger with some of the campers as they wait for food!!

Stretching Joy - More From Trinidad

One of the prayers I prayed while in Trinidad was that our children would begin to learn to say "Yes" when God asks something of them.  I want to be able to show that to our children through the things I say and do and for them to come to simply expect and accept that is what we do as a family and as individual Christians.  Jesus tells us to show our love for Him through our obedience, and I want that for myself and for our children.

Throughout the week I had opportunities to work with Joy on this very issue and to pray with her.  One struggle she faced was in sharing her "stuff" that she brought along.  Because we had a 9 hour layover in Miami and over 6 hours on airplanes that first day, I had packed each of our children a bag of surprises.  It included new coloring books ($1 each) and some Usborne sticker books among other things.

While in camp, Joy started off willing to share some of her coloring pages with her cabin-mates, but was selective about which ones she was willing to share.  She wanted to save her favorites for herself, which is understandable and is our human nature.  But this also gave me an opportunity to talk with her about stretching and being more obedient to Christ's call to do "for the least of these."  I spoke with her about the blessings she has in her life and how she does not know the background of the girls in her cabin.  I explained she could show love by sharing all of her coloring pages...not just the ones she did not like.  We kind of joked that one day Jesus may say to her, "I wanted to color and you shared your favorite pages with Me."  And we prayed together, that God would help Joy choose to set aside what she wanted and be willing to share even when it is difficult.

We also set up some level of protection for her things with her cabin counselors, because some of the girls in the cabin were going into Joy's bags without her permission.  I wanted Joy to understand that while she does need to learn to be obedient to Christ's leading it was okay still to have privacy.

I am happy to report that God was faithful to answer our prayers, and Joy was able to release her hold on some of her favorite coloring pages and share them with her new friends.  I praised her for being willing to be obedient to God's leading and rejoiced in the work God was doing in our little girl!


And now it's time for some pictures from the week...

Joy after mud baseball.  Apparently she offered the photographer (Mr. Gabe) a hug, but he opted for a picture instead!

She is all cleaned up.  Joy LOVES to find a downspout any time there is a downpour.  This is now a tradition she has for each trip to Trinidad.

Performing in the first annual talent show...who knew a Chipette voice would be so well received!

And, Mr. Gabe finally agreed to that hug once she was all cleaned up!!

More Lessons from Trinidad

God has been working in my heart and mind for a few months over some trust issues I've had with Him.  Growing up in church I was fairly isolated and insulated from much of the "bad" of the world and never realized how easy I had it.  I never expected life to get hard.  But I grew up, and it did.

I never expected to miscarry my first pregnancy not long after getting a positive test result, but I did.  I didn't expect to go through that 2 more times over the upcoming years, but I did.  I didn't expect to move to Mississippi in the summer of 2005, only to have a year of total upheaval due to a little hurricane otherwise known as Katrina.  And I didn't expect to have my oldest child get diagnosed on the autism spectrum, but again, that's my life.

So, to say I had trust issues with God is a slight understatement.  Don't get me wrong, I trusted God would do what He needed to do.  I trusted it would be for His glory.  I trusted He was in control.  But I was also terrified because I feared what He might do or allow next.  Each of these things had hurt, and God NEVER promises the Christian an easy life.  I worried about what was coming next... I was fearful!

Enter the VBS theme for this year..."Trust God!"

• No matter who you are...Trust God!
• No matter how you feel...Trust God!
• No matter what others do...Trust God!
• No matter what happens...Trust God!
• No matter where you are...Trust God!

These were our daily themes.  Every day in Trinidad, God showed me that there were going to be times when trusting Him may not come naturally or even seem relevant, but I would need to CHOOSE to trust Him.

For example, the first night when we were exhausted and Ben was becoming increasingly miserable on the twisty bus ride, I had to calm my mind by praying and telling God I was choosing to trust Him in this circumstance.  It seems minor in retrospect, but in the moment it felt big.  Plus God wants us to learn to trust Him in every situation - the little along with the big.  I tend to do better with the big stuff and get more irritable over the little stuff.  As I wrote in my journal the next morning, "The long day of travel is not what I would choose, but every step of the way I need to choose to trust."

God also showed that He has an amazing way of weaving things together.  We spent that first day in camp preparing for when the campers would arrive, including decorating the meeting room, where we would also have church the following morning with 4 local congregations.  What we did not know, and only God could possibly orchestrate was the topic of the sermon.   We explored the story of Joseph and how he trusted God through every circumstance of his life.  So, as we listened to the wonderful sermon prepared by an elder of a local church, we got to see all of our weekly themes posted on the wall behind him.  

My favorite quote from the sermon was "Joseph trusted God no matter how bad the situation got.  Can you say 'no matter what happens, I will trust God'?"

Today, I leave you with two pictures of our family after the church service - we have the good picture (including one of the daily themes in the back ground)...

And the silly one!

Mission Trip Updates - Day One Revelations

I'm hoping for the next few days to make the time and go back through my journal from Trinidad and share parts of it here.   I want my friends and family to know what was on my mind throughout our week.  I will start by saying that this was a VERY different trip experience for me from last time around for many reasons.  I won't go into all of them right now, but just know that the differences all worked together to make this an amazing time for me.

For those who do not attend our church and have not experienced the "Sky" VBS curriculum this summer, you need to know that our theme for the week was "Trust God".  What an amazing theme that is!

Also, for those who do not know Roger and I have discussed adoption from time to time throughout much of our marriage, but only in the last six months did it become something more serious for us to discuss.  And, the day before we left for our trip to Trinidad, we finished and mailed off our adoption application to pursue a Haitian adoption.

Here is my journal entry from July 20, 2012 (our first travel day, which started with our needed to arrive at our church by 2:55 AM - ouch!)

"Do not be afraid to be different from other people.  The path I have called you to travel is exquisitely right for you."  (from the Jesus Calling devotional book)


I have second guessed our adoption plan at times already because it felt as if everyone else is doing China, yet that's a lie.  Just today we met someone adopting from Ethiopia, and have heard about people from our church adopting from China, Congo, domestically and domestically through foster care.  And I have heard of a local family who already adopted from Haiti.  So, no two paths to adoption are the same.  


Lord, help me to keep my eyes on You.  Keep my vision where it should be so I stay on the path You have designed for me and for us as a couple and as a family.


I remember being absolutely amazed that God touched me in such a way that day.  Questions about our adoption plan were not even on my radar as possible things for God to address during our trip, and yet, He did just that.  He put my doubts to rest.  And wonderfully, Roger even came to me later in the week and told me that God had confirmed to him through his counselor experience that he would be able to love children that are not his biological children.  This is just the first way that God (once again) showed  Himself very worthy of our trust!

I leave you with a picture from our first day - we spent a lot of time (about 9 hours) in the Miami airport.  So each of our children had a suitcase filled with quiet activities to keep them entertained.

And, Lord willing, I will be back tomorrow to write about another day or two of our trip...God Bless!

Saying Goodbye and I Love You

We made a very hard, very sad decision this week.  After thirteen plus years together, we are planning for my cat's end of life this weekend.  I have pretty much done all of my married life with him.  Four weeks in, we brought him home and he was all mine right from the beginning.  He loved me and won me over from the moment I took him out of his cage in PetsMart.  He slept next to me, often choosing to be under my arm like a stuffed animal, for so many years.  Yet, somehow I didn't really seem to notice when it stopped.  I have rejoiced and seen it as a good sign when he returned to sleep with me for a couple of months this past fall, but he has stopped again.

This is the cat who was with me through my first of three miscarriages - the one I thought would kill me.  He was my "baby" before God gave me real babies to hold.  He was also the first pet to greet our oldest when we brought him home from the hospital and the pet most willing to accept every other animal that ever came into our home.  He just loved, even going so far as "adopting" the kittens as his own.

But he also was the most fun kitten and young cat I have ever had the pleasure to live with.  He used to love to watch The Spurs with us - he would bat at the basketball on the TV screen.  We had an aquarium screen saver that entertained him quite a bit as well, even if he could actually figure out where those fish went when they got to the end of the screen.  He was also known for pushing other cats into the shower - they would walk along the tub ledge and he would stalk their shadows and pounce on the shower curtain.  Taking a shower was not for the faint of heart in those days because one never knew when you might have to dodge a flying ball of wet fur and claws.

He used to sit in our bedroom window when I would leave the house.  I'd see him there when I pulled into the driveway.  Yet, without fail, he would be sitting at the front door as I walked in.  It seemed to be his goal to be the first to greet me.

For 3-4 years now we have been treating a thyroid disorder.  It is overactive to the point that he simply cannot keep weight on his body and now it seems to hurt him when I pet him past his head.  He no longer wants to be held and he cannot get comfortable on my lap.  He hasn't slept up in our bed in the past few months.  I hate to see him go, but he simply is not comfortable.  And yet, he still tries his best to follow me around and be near me when he's awake.

Lord, I thank You for this very special pet.  He has meant the world to me.  No other pet ever captured my heart the way he did, right from the start.  He has made me laugh and snuggled with me as I cried.  But now, as I cry, he rarely comes to sit with me, he almost never comes to sleep with us and he doesn't come quickly when I call his name.  


Lord, I thank You for peace in the midst of sadness and grief.  It is an unexpected and uncommon feeling for me.  I also thank You for helping me make the decision that needs to be made.  Decisions in general are sometimes hard for me - even easy ones or insignificant ones - and this one is neither easy nor insignificant.  It is sad and it is major, but I feel grown up for making it without taking it lightly or downplaying it.  Thank You for helping me to grieve and yet experience peace at the same time.  I trust You to bring our family through this, and I trust You to help me be the mother my children need as we pass through this valley of sadness.  Thank You Lord, just for being who You are and for loving me.
Amen.

Some Things Never Change

I am working on my annual reorganizing of my home (it might not have to be an annual event if I'd just take the steps to maintain it all, but that's another post for another day).  While working and going through papers, I came across the following note I wrote to myself at some point in the spring of 2010.  First, let me say that I had no idea at that point that the SAT had been overhauled 5 years prior to that, so when you hit that part of my note, realize I was basing that upon my understanding of a 1600 being a perfect score.

Now, on to my note...

"I am having what I like to call an "organizationally challenged" day.  You know, the kind where nothing goes quite right and you'd lose your head if it werent' attached.  It was set up by the fact that I stayed up entirely too late working on all the new supplies I have purchased to implement the hundreds of new, fantastic ideas that I got at the homeschool convention.  Ideas that will revolutionize our homeschool and turn our children into authors, ballerina/cowboy, rocket-scientist, missionaries who will score the first-ever recorded 2000 on the SAT at the age of 9.

Of course, I will soon wear myself out attempting to organize and implement all of these wonderful new ideas that I heard in my classes, and all of these late night projects I spent hours completing will go into storage along with the various things I brought home last year but never used.  And I will go back to simply having the goal of enjoying my children and hoping to raise joyful, well-adjusted people who love Jesus and live for Him."

Back to 2012, and I laugh as I read this knowing that I still probably have some of those supplies in my stash and yet again I'm trying to organize them and figure out the best way to proceed in our homeschool.  And oh how I hope and pray that we are, in fact, raising joyful, well-adjusted people who love Jesus and always live for Him.

Happy New Year!!

Good and Perfect Gifts

Today I wanted to share something from the journal that I keep.  My head and heart keep returning to the ideas contained within, so I felt the desire to share...  In case I don't make it back in here before Sunday, Merry Christmas to all!!


Journal entry 12-20-11
Do I offend God?  God gave salvation to the Gentile because Israel refused it - much like how I feel if my children act ungrateful for things.  I want to take these things away and give them to someone appreciative.

Do I do that to You, Lord?  Do I reject some of Your good and perfect gifts?  Do I miss Your blessing because I think I don't deserve it or because the  blessing comes disguised in what I see as something unpleasant?  I am thankful I did not refuse the gift of salvation and trusting in Christ for my eternity.  But, to have the abundant life in John 10:10, do I need to keep receiving Your gifts, and accepting them gratefully? 


Lord, have I been given gifts that never got opened?  Have I opened some and laid them aside?  Have I wanted to return some and exchange them for what I thought to be the right thing?  The thing I wanted?  Lord, I am sorry for my ungrateful, controlling heart - please forgive me and help me to choose differently.  
Lord, help me to begin to take the steps needed to live with purpose.  Help me to gratefully receive each of Your good and perfect gifts, even the ones that don't seem to fit at the time.  Stretch me to fit them.  Even the gifts that seem ugly at first - help me to see the beauty in them.  Even the ones I want to exchange - help me to see how they are perfectly designed for me.  And help me to joyfully cheer on the one who receives what I thought I wanted more.  Help me to trust in YOUR judgement and YOUR motives, Lord.  Help me to have an accurate perception of Your gifts to me, Lord.

Inadequacy (did I spell that right?)

Some days I just feel inadequate.  Sometimes I feel like an inadequate wife.  Often I feel like an inadequate friend.  And I always feel like an inadequate housekeeper...but the one that hits me the hardest is when I feel inadequate as a mother.

Today was one of those days.  It usually hits when I'm working with our oldest on just about any subject.  Because of his diagnosis, teaching him can be challenging at times.  And then he can end up in tears...and then I can end up in tears, or frustrated, or both.  I get frustrated because he doesn't get it.  I get frustrated because I don't have the right words to explain it to him.  I get fearful because I worry that he'll never get it and I'll never have the words to explain it to him.  I get fearful because I wonder what his future will look like.  And I just want to sit in a corner and cry and let the world go by.

But, thankfully, at least for today, I was able to talk him through.  I was able to calmly ask the other two children to go play in another room so I could focus on only one thing.  And in the end we had success.  And I did not cry (in that moment - I did cry just now as I was replaying it all in my mind).

In my head I KNOW that God has put this course before me.  I KNOW He has given me these children and I KNOW that He does not make mistakes about these things.  But in my deepest places, I fear messing up.  I fear being less than what my children need.  I fear not doing the right things for them, not training them enough, not equipping them for things that are important, etc.

And I know I'm not alone, but when I'm in the midst of the fear, I feel alone.  I also know, though, that as long as I rely on God and trust in Him and continue to press on (rather than giving in to the desire to just curl up in a ball as opposed to climbing the mountain ahead of me), these things don't make me a bad mother.  In fact, in a lot of ways, they probably make me a typical and good, loving mother.  But it's hard to see that in the middle of the storm.

A Change in Direction

Yesterday was an interesting day at our co-op.  It was the beginning of the end, and yet in some ways it was also the best day ever.

This has been our first year in a co-op.  In previous years we had been too involved with therapies and simply getting my feet under me as a homeschool mom to even seriously consider such a possibility.  Besides, I didn't want to give up our time to go and help teach even more kids and have to plan for that in addition to planning for our own homeschool.  It just sounded too intimidating.

But last winter, God began working in my heart to make some changes.  I began to feel that rather than continuing with Ben's 8 hour a week ABA program, we should look at a co-op for the fall.  I began to believe that being surrounded by "typical" children and doing a few hours of school in a classroom setting would benefit him more than the one-on-one he was receiving.  He was ready for this step.

We visited two co-ops because that is all we could find at the time.  The first one we visited scared Ben at times, but he had caring teachers who helped him through the day.  After all, this was his first time in a new classroom setting in several years.  While he attends Sunday School, every year as he moved up, the same children went with him, so this was the first totally new group setting he had experienced in years.

As soon as we left that co-op, I felt it was the one we were to join, but we still had another visit scheduled with the other co-op.  Plus, the one we had just visited was full, and had a waiting list.

After visiting the second co-op, I was even more convinced that God was leading us to the first one, so I sent in my paperwork and joined the waitlist for the upcoming year.  About a month later, I inquired about our spot on the waitlist and was told that since someone else with 3 children the same grades as ours had dropped the very day I inquired, the leader would take that as a sign from God that we were in.

Over the summer, I became excited as I saw emails about what subjects the kids would be studying.  But then it was changing and by the time we had our first meeting, there had been many changes as many families had decided after committing to the year that God was actually leading them in a different direction.  The numbers were down and some classes still needed teachers.  I was told this was a first for this strong, well-led co-op.

As this year has gone on, families continued to drop out, one-by-one, and sometimes multiple families in one week dropped.  Moms were often being called upon to fill in and it was difficult for this new mom to make connections with the constant changes that were going on.

I, too, began considering leaving the co-op.  But it was not a clear cut decision.  For one thing, Ben was thriving in the setting.  While he still will not ask for help from a strange teacher when he doesn't understand something, the numbers were such that teachers would take note of his needs and offer assistance.  And he was volunteering answers to questions that were asked of the group.  It was amazing watching him speak up without it being something scripted.  And Matthew was getting a chance to learn and play with boys his age and he was loving that.  Oddly enough, my social butterfly, Joy, was struggling the most at fitting in and finding her place.

The reasons I was considering leaving was the burden it was becoming whenever a mom stayed home with sick children or went on vacation, and it was discouraging to see so many moms dropping out.   And with the exception of the moms I was talking with 2 weeks ago, every single time I began to get to know a mom, she dropped out.  But God brought me to the co-op and He had not yet given me clear leading to leave it either.

Well, yesterday, the decision was made for me.  We have two more weeks of co-op classes, then after a big field trip and a party, our co-op will be no more.  To some extent, I felt relieved to not have to make a decision and to have stuck with my commitment.  But I also felt sad because I finally felt like I was connecting with some of the other moms.  And I felt confused...why had God brought me to a co-op that He knew would not survive the year.  But I think He also answered that very question for me yesterday and the time before in the conversations that were had by the moms around a conference table.

Many of the moms in that co-op have adopted some of the children in their families.  And there is even at least one mom who is an adoptee.  And Roger and I have been praying about and considering what our role is to be regarding orphans in this world.  Are we to adopt?  Are we to foster?  Or is His plan that we support those who are called to the front lines of this ministry area?

While I have known people who have adopted, never before have I been surrounded by it the way I have felt these last two times we have been at co-op.  Never before have I had the opportunity to have such an open and honest conversation about adoption and the blessings that come through it.

While I still don't know exactly what this means for our family, I have met some moms who feel the same burden that we feel, people who will pray for us as we seek God's guidance and wisdom and people I can contact when and if we have questions.  So, while this co-op experience was only to be a brief season for us, it will undoubtedly have a bigger impact than I ever could have anticipated when we went for that first visit last spring.

Thank you to God who kept it afloat for these past few months, and to the WOM leadership who was faithful in following His leading to continue up until now.

Fill in the Blank

I want to try something out...an opportunity for input.  I'll give you a sentence to complete and you finish it off in the comments section.  This first one is for the homeschoolers out there because I want to hear your funny stories, too.

So, here it goes.  Think Jeff Foxworthy as you read this...

"You might be a homeschooler..."

To get things started, here's my contribution.  If you wake your 7 year old at 8:40 on a school day and she says, "I wish I didn't have to get up so early.", you might be a homeschooler.

Our Busy Life

Somehow I have become the homeschooler who never seems to stay at home.  We have always been so careful about how many outside activities we join.  Our kids don't even join sport teams.  But somehow this year I have taken on far much more than normal.  We have AWANA and children's "choir" at church, American Heritage Girls, a homeschool support group, a co-op, small group through church and a social skills group.  Our oldest also has physical and occupational therapy at this point to help with some of his autism symptoms.

I guess it's no wonder our house always looks as if an explosion has occurred since we only seem to use it lately as a place to stop over and lay our heads.  Oddly enough, though, I'm really not complaining.  I'm even kind of enjoying this season of involvement and busyness.

But, if you happen to think of me, please say a prayer that eventually I will learn how to balance things out better so that we can be busy and not have the house that looks like a Lego factory exploded.  My husband will thank you for it.

Big or Little Purposes

One thing I have been pondering over the past few weeks or months (or perhaps my entire adult life) is purpose.  What is my purpose?  When will I achieve my purpose?  And the list of questions goes on and on...

I often want some grandiose purpose.   Something big, something that changes the lives of people I may not have even met.  Why does that seem so important to me?  What is the draw of grandiosity?

What if my "only" purpose in life is to support the work of others?  What if my purpose is to train up my children to either do great things, or more probably to also support the work of others.  What am I missing out on by always looking for something more and different?  I am missing out on opportunities to encourage my husband and children, to be a blessing to the people around me, to offer assistance and prayer to my family, friends and neighbors.

I need to be willing to press on, to see God's glory in the little things and to bring Him glory through those little things.  I need to be faithful in serving, praying and encouraging and to realize and always remember that these are important to God.  Even though I may not see the "grandiose" purpose in them, these little things are the details in the great portrait God is painting, and they are important, and they are beautiful.  But sometimes I forget this or I don't chose to focus on it.  But I'm really thankful that He keeps drawing me back to this question, and He continues to show me that I am important to Him.

Help me Lord, to live each day with a focus on you.  Help me to press on, and to run the race You have set before me, not wishing for the race that has been set before someone else.  Help me to walk in the good deeds You have prepared for me.  Help me to focus on being the best wife, mother and friend I can be and trust You to use these "details" toward creating a beautiful portrait.

Fund Raiser Recant (sort of)

This is the promised semi-recant of a post I made several weeks ago regarding fund raisers...however, in my defense, you may remember that my initial post was about school fund raisers.  But, to be honest, I'm sort of a fund raiser grinch, at least those that involve sales of things I don't really need or want.  Often I'd rather make a smaller contribution but have the organization receive 100% of what I spend rather than have something else cluttering my house...especially since we have already established my housekeeping skills are not to be envied.

But, I have now come to the other side of the whole fund raiser experience, and my struggle with my former self begins.  My daughter has just become a fund raiser for her American Heritage Girls troop.  I knew it was coming, and I went in prepared, or so I thought.  I was prepared to do the "buy out" option I felt certain would be offered.  We write a check and we don't have to do any real fund raising.  It's easy, it's quick and it's painless.  It's over in a minute...

But then it began.  My daughter saw the glossy sales folder, and her eyes began to sparkle.  She heard she could finally get a chance to sell something.  She has been itching to sell something (anything) to the people around her.  She found out that she can earn a patch, and she turned to me with a huge smile and nodding her head.  And suddenly, even if it had been offered, I knew there was no buy out option in our home.  Because my daughter had completely and totally bought in to the idea of fund raising.

I am surprised by her enthusiasm, but am impressed by how well she is handling herself.  She has practiced things to say to her potential victims customers, she is taking responsibility for calling her relatives, and we have discussed the mature and appropriate manner with which to handle someone saying "no thank you" when she approaches them about making a purchase.  She even handled herself so well when practicing with me that I fell victim to her sweetness and maturity, and thusfar, I am her top purchasing customer.

So, anyone wanna buy a candle?

It Expired WHEN?

Well, I've always known that my housekeeping/organizing skills are not what others possess.  I try to keep my eye on the positive and know that I am creative, and "creativity ain't always pretty."  However, today I made a discovery that took me by surprise.  I found out that soap has an expiration date...at least anti-bacterial soap does.  Maybe it's just the antibacterial part that loses it's fight and the soap itself still cleans hands and other surfaces quite nicely.

So, how exactly did I find out that it expires?  I came upon a large jug of Walmart brand antibacterial soap in our closet and happened to see that it expired...and it's not just a little expired.  It expired 7 years ago!!!  How is this possible, especially for a military family?   It has survived 2 moves, made it through Hurricane Katrina and probably has lots of stories it could tell if it only could talk.  And if it EXPIRED 7 years ago, we probably actually bought it a couple years before that.  This bottle of soap may be older than our oldest child.  And yet it still pours quite nicely.  So, if you are looking for a long lasting liquid soap that doesn't congeal, I can (quite by accident) recommend the Walmart brand of anti-bacterial soap ;-)